Tuesday, March 22, 2005

President Bush Names Blue Ribbon Business Panel

President Bush this week has named a blue ribbon panel of teachers and other educators to a National Poundtable Committee. The purpose of the committee is to establish higher ethical standards and to raise the profit margins of American businesses.

President Bush said, under condition of anonymity, "We think this will be a very successful format. It worked so well having the business CEO's develop educational agendas for this nation, that we thought we would try it on the economic front. We have been very disappointed in the economic efforts of our businessmen and feel that our economy will never improve without rigorous accountability measures. We lead the world in many ways, but our economic growth rates are flat. Our educational leaders will show us the way."

The committee will consist of superintendents, principals and teachers who will meet in Orlando, Florida for three weeks, vigorously hammering out the standards and agendas on which business will be evaluated.

The cornerstone initiative is reported to be legislation titled NBLS (No Business Left Standing). "The idea," said, NBLS spokesperson, Margaret Smellings, "is that by 2013-2014 we will require 100% of all employees in all divisions of every business in America to meet Adequate Yearly Profit (AYP). Each employee must demonstrate that they are personally responsible to bring in more money than they cost the company. We will separate the employees into various subgroups and evaluate the entire business on the basis of that subgroup in that division of that business. If the employee fails, the division fails. If the division fails, the business fails to meet AYP. Everyone must be proficient to meet the challenge and maintain our standing in the world."

"The cry from CEO's around the nation sounds suspiciously like those of educators when NCLB was authorized," said Dr. Sup R. Blogger, president of AASA. He added, "I know they think educators don't know much about business, but I know as much about bankruptcy law as they know about dyslexia and special education case law."

A spokesperson for the Business Roundtable said, "The problem is inadequate funding. If we had more money we would have more profit." To which a politician standing nearby replied, "The answer to every stinkin' problem isn't more money."

4 Comments:

At Wednesday, March 23, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Wildcatter says:

The best model to be used in this scenario would be the Walmart model. Hire employees without benefits, pay them minimum wage, and let the community (as well as state government and federal government) in which the Walmart resides fund their employees health costs, housing costs, etc. (i.e. food stamps, HUD housing) Walmart also uses the sweatshop laborers from China, Guatemala, and India to produce the products (that costs pennies a day to produce) that will be sold in their stores throughout the USA. Walmart is also thinking about expanding into the home mortgage and banking venues as well. This adds more services to the already expanding bakery, pharmacy, optical, and auto maintenance services that they provide to the community (again with minimum or next to minimum wage workers). Finally, let's think about the educational level of the Walmart employee...hmmm...do we need to go down that road?

 
At Wednesday, March 23, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No Child Left Behind - The Basketball Version

1. All teams must advance to the Sweet 16, and all will win the
championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on
probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held
accountable.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same basketball skills at the
same time and in the same conditions. No exceptions will be made for
interest in basketball, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic
abilities or disabilities. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY BASKETBALL AT A PROFICIENT
LEVEL.

3. Talented players will be asked to practice on their own, without
instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their
instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in basketball,
have limited athletic ability or whose parents don't like basketball.

4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in
the 4th, 8th and 11th games.

5. This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expected to
have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal
goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child will be left behind.

 
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