Congressional Hearings to answer question: Is Big-Time Wrestling Real?
The Washington D.C. press corps were jostling for position. The rumor was making the rounds that they had been called together to hear announcements about upcoming congressional hearings on big-time wrestling.
"What prompted this?" probed the veteran D.C. beat reporter from the second row of the crowded press conference. The Washington press corps were squeezed into a small, crowded room for a hastily called press conference after word had leaked out that Congress was intending to call for a second round of formal Congressional Hearings. Congress had just concluded formal hearings on steroid use in baseball.
The congressman behind the microphone, patted his damp forehead with a white handkerchief and took a deep breath. "Well," he paused for effect, making sure everyone was looking at him, "This proves that America truly is the greatest country on earth. It must be the greatest country ever, when the biggest problem we can find to debate, is whether or not a handful of the world's richest and largest men, stuck themselves in the 'hiney' with a needle. 'Butt', it really was a very successful hearing," he added.
"Why was it successful?" someone shouted from the back row. "Did you curb steroid use in baseball?"
"No," he responded forthrightly, "But I did get my picture on every TV in America for 72 straight hours. It was fun to pompously lecture grown men, who make 500 times my salary."
"Yes, but what PROMPTED this NEW set of congressional hearings, the ones on big-time wrestling, of all things?" repeated the hard-nosed reporter from The Post.
"What prompted it, was the recent press release from the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) that they intended to mix politics and athletics with their Monday night pay-per-view series featuring the Nation's Governors.
The first WWF "Smackdown" is next Monday featuring Governor of California, Arnold "The Terminator" Schwartzenegger versus Governor of Indiana, Mitch "The Blade" Daniels.
"Our governors must be clean too. Our worries started with Governor of Minnesota, Jesse "The Body" Ventura and then spread when Governor Schwartzenegger announced that he had used steroids in between grope therapy sessions. We think Mitch is clean, just from looking at him, but you never know," the congressman added.
"Now another governor with a bold nickname has entered the national ring, so we figure it is time to see if our governor's are clean. They must all be good role models, or at least as good as Barney Frank."
"Who dreamed up this crazy idea anyway?" asked the New York Times reporter standing in the crowded doorway.
"Well," the congressman replied, "The idea for the Governor's matches was hatched up by the Indiana Governor's Education Policy advisor David Shame, who realized that the National Governor's Conference wasn't getting any upticks in the polls for their announcement that they were raising standards for high school students. Raising standards is old news, so they wanted something really fresh. Something that would grab America's attention. Their travels around the state in their Oregon-made Indiana RV, have helped them take a fresh look at America. Jeff Faxworthy will be their emcee and ring announcer, and former New Jersey Governor, Pristine Whitman will be the ring girl."
A grizzled reporter from the middle of the pack shouted out, "I can see why the governors would want to attract more attention to their educational agendas with a market-oriented publicity strategy, but why would Congress want to get involved with more formal Congressional hearings?"
The congressman patted his sweating forehead with his hanky once again and replied,"Once and for all we want to answer America's greatest unsolved mystery, Is big-time wrestling real? It's the least we can do for America."