In breaking news today, Wal-Mart announced its plans to unveil a new educational for-profit division called, Edu-Mart.
Sam Walnut, founder of the company explained, "We are very happy to support the private school concept, and now that tax dollars get involved we are very interested in the concept."
Sam explained, "When Mom, Dad, Ralph, Cousin Billy-Bob and three tag-alongs come into Wal-Mart of an evening, we think we can make it more worth their while. Shoot, given how much time the average family spends in a Wal-Mart in one month, it might as well be useful!"
He explained the Edu Mart vision:
"When a parent enrolls a child in Edu-Mart we start by giving them a brain scan and a traditional manual assessment. This will give us a reading of their capabilities and what they have accomplished academically to date.
Then we take an electronic chip containing the results of their scan, complete with their current Reading and Math levels and their complete transcript of national academic standards and an individual IEP for each child. We then embed the chip just beneath the surface of the skin at the back of their neck. It's simple and painless, and we already do it for your pets.
When an enrolled student passes through the electronic doors of any Wal-Mart in the world, an automatic scanner will immediately read the electronic chip and send the information to a waiting Edu-Mart Associate Greeter standing at the Edu-Mart conveniently located at the back of the Wal-Mart just beyond the toy section.
Using our "just-in-time delivery method," by the time the child arrives, the Edu-Mart Associate has already pulled a prepared 30 minute one-on-one lesson from the data bank that is specially geared to the child's needs.
If the family wants to "shop-till-they-drop" then our Associate can "teach-till-they-screech," by adding additional lessons.
Parents and students will also like our Edu-Mart Home School Curriculum that is available for an additional fee. The great thing about this technology is that it will automatically update the embedded chip and keep the IEP current.
Parents will receive additional Edu-Mart vouchers depending on how much they spend while their child is receiving lessons.
School can now be held any place in the world and is available as close as the nearest Wal-Mart.
Added Sam, "We are very excited about this new program. We believe it will be almost as popular as our new chain of funeral home parlors."