Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Illinois announces new gambling curriculum

NEWS RELEASE

The Governor of Illinois announced this week a proposal to fund schools by selling the lottery off to the highest bidder.

Shortly thereafter the Commissioner of Education, Dr. Bettin' DeFarm informed state curriculum experts that there would be new Gambling Appreciation Standards put in place for 2006-2007.

"We think 12 th grade is the logical place for these standards. Seniors too often gamble away their last year anyway," explained Dr. Bettin DeFarm.

"Our Illinois gambling standards will have several new strands including: Riverboat Gambling, Internet Poker, Blackjack and more," he continued.

He explained, "Illinois will need a steady stream of gamblers to make sure that this is a good deal for all parties." When a few naysayers expressed doubts about the long term goals of funding noble purposes with gambling dollars, Dr. Bettin' DeFarm said with a roll of the dice, "I wouldn't bet against us."

Monday, May 22, 2006

Offshoring as a school improvement initiative

NEWS RELEASE:

The Federal Department of Education in conjunction with the Bush administration, stunned the educational community recently by authorizing the use of "outsourcing" and "offshoring" for schools that fail to make Adequate Yearly Progress (AYP) under NCLB.

In recent weeks, the individual states have been releasing their lists of failing schools under the increasing demands of NCLB, prompting the feds to announce new methods for dealing with students struggling under the rising expectations.

"This is a very progressive move. The business community has been asking schools to perform more like a business and what better expression of this than the use of "offshoring," explained Margaret Spellings.

"All failing schools under NCLB will now be allowed to ship all failing students to third world countries. This should help the bottom line immediately."

When asked if that wasn't a little harsh, Spellings said, "Hey it's a dog-eat-dog business world out there and its now a global economy. I don't see anything wrong with offshoring students to a third world country. If they can't graduate they can at least get a job there!"

Heard the one about.....

Washington Post on Sunday

Bracey tries to find all those Chinese engineers.